Last year it happened, the big five-oooooh tried to sneak up on me but I was prepared. Knowing it was a big milestone year for all things health-related, I got in front of it by scheduling a bunch of check-up appointments ahead of time. One thing I got done before the dreaded day was my first colonoscopy.
Ok, no one likes to think about getting old much less broadcast their (advanced) age to the whole world but this is something serious that we all need to get done just to be safe….end of lecture on that.
As the day before my first colonoscopy came to a close I realized that not only did I have the prep business to attend to but I had not picked up the icky orange stuff I had to drink to get it done. A word to the wise: there is advice on how much time or how far in advance to start your prep…follow that advice lest you find yourself trying not to fall asleep on the toilet waiting for the right stuff to happen.
Yeah, you’re not supposed to lie down while you’re waiting for stuff to happen so if you start way late you will find yourself falling asleep on the toilet, hating the toilet, hating the gastroenterologist, hating people already sleeping, you get the idea.
And yeah I started way late so to try to keep myself awake and not crying I sent a text to a close friend who had just recently gone through this whole process. She was watching the Redskins game and they were losing. In between game updates she sympathized with my plight and let me engage her in creating a shit-list of commonly used phrases containing the word SHIT. I laughed so hard I cried. Here’s the list….and remember these were going back and forth between us as texts for about an hour…
Of course I have to start off the SHIT LIST with shit list, then there’s shit storm, tough shit, full of shit, up shit creek w/out a paddle, dumbshit, in deep shit, jackshit, the shit is hitting the fan, __(blank)__ ‘n shit, shit show, shitload, eatshitanddiemotherfucker, does a bear shit in the woods?, ain’t that some shit!?, hotshit, shit-eating grin, crock of shit, scared shitless, beat the shit out of, I don’t give a shit, get your shit together, shit a brick, scare the shit out of, shit on a shingle, shit happens, shoot the shit, shit or get off the pot, shits ice cream, that shit doesn’t flush, holy shit, have the shits, and my all-time favorite shit for brains.
One last thing, and this is so true I swear to you….the absolute WORST part of getting the colonoscopy is the prep….as humiliating as you may think the actual procedure is, it’s a walk in the park compared to prepping the night before. Be forewarned!