Shit List – The Colonoscopy Prep

Toilet
Toilet (Photo credit: ex.libris)

Last year it happened, the big five-oooooh tried to sneak up on me but I was prepared.  Knowing it was a big milestone year for all things health-related, I got in front of it by scheduling a bunch of check-up appointments ahead of time.  One thing I got done before the dreaded day was my first colonoscopy.

Ok, no one likes to think about getting old much less broadcast their (advanced) age to the whole world but this is something serious that we all need to get done just to be safe….end of lecture on that.

As the day before my first colonoscopy came to a close I realized that not only did I have the prep business to attend to but I had not picked up the icky orange stuff I had to drink to get it done.  A word to the wise:  there is advice on how much time or how far in advance to start your prep…follow that advice lest you find yourself trying not to fall asleep on the toilet waiting for the right stuff to happen.

Yeah, you’re not supposed to lie down while you’re waiting for stuff to happen so if you start way late you will find yourself falling asleep on the toilet, hating the toilet, hating the gastroenterologist, hating people already sleeping, you get the idea.

And yeah I started way late so to try to keep myself awake and not crying I sent a text to a close friend who had just recently gone through this whole process.  She was watching the Redskins game and they were losing.  In between game updates she sympathized with my plight and let me engage her in creating a shit-list of commonly used phrases containing the word SHIT.  I laughed so hard I cried.  Here’s the list….and remember these were going back and forth between us as texts for about an hour…

Of course I have to start off the SHIT LIST with shit list, then there’s shit storm, tough shit, full of shit, up shit creek w/out a paddle, dumbshit, in deep shit, jackshit, the shit is hitting the fan, __(blank)__ ‘n shit,  shit show,  shitload, eatshitanddiemotherfucker, does a bear shit in the woods?, ain’t that some shit!?, hotshit, shit-eating grin, crock of shit, scared shitless, beat the shit out of, I don’t give a shit, get your shit together, shit a brick, scare the shit out of, shit on a shingle, shit happens, shoot the shit, shit or get off the pot, shits ice cream, that shit doesn’t flush, holy shit, have the shits, and my all-time favorite shit for brains.

One last thing, and this is so true I swear to you….the absolute WORST part of getting the colonoscopy is the prep….as humiliating as you may think the actual procedure is, it’s a walk in the park compared to prepping the night before.  Be forewarned!

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Author: The C-Sweet

I'm a Soccer Mom/Baseball Mom living the American Dream in northern Virginia. I work as a Business Advisor & Consultant focusing on small-medium sized businesses in my local community. I've drunk the chardonnay, practiced the yoga, driven the minivan, atomized the essential oils, made the spinach dip and attended many Southern Living at Home, Stella & Dot, and Pampered Chef parties. I'm a Catholic, Conservative, Spiritually Awake individual sharing my opinion on whatever catches my fancy and occasionally entertaining a few folks with tales from my ADDiva life!

9 thoughts on “Shit List – The Colonoscopy Prep”

  1. Reblogged this on From the C-Sweet and commented:

    Hi Blog Friends!
    I had to share this with you – Just received a text from a good friend asking for the link to my “poopie” article I wrote after my colonoscopy prepping ordeal. She has another friend drinking the juice tonight and wants to send it over to make her laugh….so while I was digging up the link I figured I’d re-post this just for the heck….actually, no, it’s a community service message because if you’re near my age and you haven’t had this done you really should – it’s not that bad….like my post says – the prep part is the torture. So I’m re-posting in honor of my former brother in law who passed away a month ago at the tender age of 52…..from colon cancer.

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  2. And don’t forget “He doesn’t know shit from shinola“!
    I did my test and I don’t have to do another one for 10 years! Maybe they’ll have a better way to prep by then.

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    1. Ethel, Congratulations on making this rite of passage with the rest of us….Next time I have to do it I will be fasting a day or two before and drinking the salt water way ahead of time….and I hate to keep stirring up the same ole shit (::grin::) but I should have asked my lovely readers to add to the list if they think up some more shit…..

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